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感情心事
#41

#44

1.跟有沒有自我無關，文中看不出白人會給她自我，自我這詞完全是想像出來的，把自我跟心動扯上關係沒有邏輯。

2.樓主目前是婚姻適應困症，這是剛結婚的人常遇到的情況，即使是幸福人妻也會，尤其45歲才結婚，以前又常被追求，更難適應婚姻的穩定與平淡。沒結過婚的人完全不知道這種平淡中剛好可以營造美好的情趣，畢竟她長期處於被動狀態。個性是可以被開發的，試著化被動為主動，角色互換，會發現婚姻其實很幸福的。

3.樓主真的是不知道自己要什麼啦，其實最好有同性閨蜜，或者像社區活動這種好融入國外生活（你住國外嗎），沒有小孩跟寵物難免胡思亂想。

能給的建議我已經給很多，先試著往這方向努力，如果沒辦法再談其他的。
因為你單身太久了，如果真的難以適應又忍不住，才考慮離婚。
忠於自我是離婚、單身以後才能率性做自己，而不是像現在一樣充滿愧疚精神外遇，你沒有外遇的天賦，這樣子沒辦法讓你享受真正的自我，呵呵（笑，不知道誰亂教，竟然沒針對你的善良本質給個有建設性的意見，來亂的）

另外，姐可不認為萬一不適合婚姻，離婚就是愧疚，反之，反而是在婚姻裡偷腥才會讓你內疚，畢竟你有善良的一面，才會上來求救。

也有人離婚變成好朋友，維持自在的親密狀態，建議你先磨合婚姻吧！當作人生最精采的體驗也挺好，我自己的狀況比較慘，大概磨合了2-3年，姐是嫁到超級大的家庭，剛開始幾年都是老公在努力，也讓我發洩陰沈的脾氣，很訝異熱戀那麼美好，不過過了磨合期以後，就跟婆婆、 先生有了比原生家庭更濃密的感情，姐從沒有這麼自由的釋放感情的，連我女兒在外面都被嘲笑怎麼那麼戀家啊，先生也很奇怪愛膩在家裡很少找哥們，後期簡直轉性變成愛家好男人。人在不同階段會有不同的個性開發，完全是我婚前想像不到的，而且努力變成桃花絕緣體，反而過去那個我，才讓我覺得渾身不自在的包袱感。

加油，有問題可以再上來發問。

#42

#45

#44 姐姐，謝謝你，也謝謝大家。讓我的心慢慢回來。

是的，我住國外，最近很多國外的白人一直找我，一方面可能我外語能力很好，親和力也很好，蠻大方的，用外語講話很得體，所以大部份都是比較高層次的白人會找我。

我知道我先生為我付出很多，我也很感恩他的善良與用心。但是，這個白人格調很好，談吐比一般人高雅，也是能力很好的一個人才。我希望能夠慢慢將對方扭轉為朋友，應該會是很好的朋友。

#43

#46

為什麼這些人我跟他們說自己已經結婚，還有自己的年紀他們都不管呢?真的無法了解這些人…如果結婚他們不在意，為什麼不在乎年齡都相差八歲或十歲以上呢？他們難道不擔心過幾年我就老得帶不出去嗎？目前我看起來是比小我十四歲的先生年輕，但是女生更年期來時，有時候變化很大，為什麼他們不在乎呢？無法理解到底是什麼心態?

#44

#47

its a good thing that you look so young and attract many people right? its how you deal with them and how to stay faithful to your loving husband thats what matters the most.

i am really curious how you can look 15 years younger than your actual age. that’s very impressive.

#45

#48

女人看到錢就會很現實
果然不假

#46

#49

也想知道不老秘方+1！（誤）

#47

#50

As the perspecrtive of Westerners, it’s a pretty normal thing that Asians look like at least ten years younger than their real ages.

Also, due to the development of facial products and the popularity of plastic surgery, it’s another normal thing that people look younger than their real age if they take good care of themselves.

A little bit FYI from my personal experiences living in US, I’m back to school this year , and one of my classmates, a 21-year-old Latino girl thought I was the same age as her. However, she was shocked because I’m the same age as her mom which is 42. In fact, as long as you keep good body shape, no wrinkled skin, no gray hairs, you should look younger, isn’t it? I don’t see a doubt at least from my life time so far.

不知道原PO在國外待幾年了呢？我自己待了近20年的理解是，西方人對年齡沒東方人那麼介意，而且他們也沒所謂「傳宗接代」的觀念，休傑克曼跟他的妻子不就是一例？至於「不介意」妳的已婚身份？他們是公然追求還是私下行動呢？如果是後者，也沒什麼好討論了吧？撩撩看，然後願者上鉤？還是他們是有認真說要娶妳？

#48

#51

44樓的姐姐真棒
真的有針對問題和人給與建議
不是什麼享受自我鼓吹出軌
真的沒什麼建設性可言啊

#49

#52

@@sorry670613, not only do I look younger comparing to the westerners but also to the Asians. My husband that’s 14 years younger is Chinese but he looks like a mixture of Korean and Japanese.
I look almost the same as I was in college, so all my friends in Taiwan say that I haven’t aged over the years.

我的臉是娃娃臉，有點像日本的水谷雅子，個子嬌小也有關係，所以沒有老化太多。人多少都會有些許老化，但是我完全沒有皺紋， 我生活很單純，穿著也很樸素，如果要問我如何《抗老》，好像這個名詞從來沒有在我的腦海中飄過。

我從來不用化妝品與保養品，出門頂多塗一個口紅，其他連防曬或粉底完全沒有。冬天寒冷或皮膚很乾時，我抹一點點黑芝麻油或椰子油。

我不化妝與不保養護膚品的原因是，我喜歡自然與拒絕化學物品在身體。你可以上YOUTUBE 搜一搜Dr. Eric Berg,短期來說，美容護膚品會讓你變漂亮，但是長期來說，where have all those creams and cosmetics gone? TO YOUR LIVER. IF YOUR LIVER IS SPOILED, YOU WILL LOOK OLD.

How to help your liver? Number 1, DON’T get ANGRY. 我幾乎沒有在生氣，不會把煩惱記在心裡，前一天的煩惱隔一天就放掉了。 我盡量修慈心禪，每天沐浴在慈心裡頭，還有最重要的，我經常修內觀。心如果時常安住在動作，你的動作會變得比較緩慢與溫和，自然動作會很優雅。

我把自己的時間排得很滿，活到老學到老，我已經快完成另一個普林斯頓大學的選修課程了。

飲食也很關鍵，我完全不喝飲料，除了酒精，任何包括咖啡可樂含糖飲料一口都不喝。含糖的食物也完全不食用，麵粉製品一蓋不碰，完全素食。

身體排毒，情緒也得排毒，當下不開心的，當下不能滅去，至少要隔天就已經不再留在心頭。所以，我幾乎沒有在皺眉頭的，每天都很開心。

這輩子我最大的困擾只有異性，其他一切馬上都可以放下。

#50

#53

Anything you want to correct, you must do it within not without. Beauty is skin deep, if you want beauty and youth, you should work from within. Make your mind happy, don’t be jealous, don’t get angry easily, don’t talk loudly, don’t gossip, don’t criticize. Make your mind and speech full of positive energy.

#51

#54

#50 #52 sounds like you guys know how to take good care of yourself. its also great to hear that you’re back to school, never too late to learn and do what you wish to do.

#52, you sound like a really peaceful and zen person actually. very impressed by your response actually. i assume your husband is probably from northern china, hence, looking more korean / japanese. i’m curious, why marriage when you know it would be long distance? why not wait until you both are in the same place? is it going to be an issue for him to move abroad and find good work? even though he can make it happy as you mentioned, there are numerous obstacles along the way and sometimes we need to be realistic.

#52

#55

my bad, i re-read the thread again, he is moving back soon, pls disregard my questions about long distance.

#53

#56

I don’t have many afflictions and worries. Because everything passed out quickly. I know how to solve my physical and mental problems except for the emotional ones. If it were not for work, I seldom go out. But whenever I go out I encounter problems with men.

真的， 不要浪費錢和時間在保養品，美容與化妝(可能會被美容院K),把精力放在提升自己。

我從來沒有抹乳液，我有乳液除非人家買送給我，一般我太乾就拿廚房裡的橄欖油，椰子油或麻油塗。

一切都會過去的，你的年輕也會過去的。你的年輕過去的時候，你要留下什麼在別人的心中?

內涵應該比外在的美麗重要。很多很漂亮的先生都外遇，你好相處他就不會外遇。我好像目前為止還沒有擔心比我小的他外遇，因為一切都是緣份。我沒有要求他，他自己把手機所有密碼給我，沒有要求他，他一有收入就全額給我，沒有要求他所有的證件文件都給我。我覺得不應該用要求的，要他主動打從內心真的沒有保留。

#54

#57

真的要斬斷的是內心的負面思維，不要他還沒有外遇就在懷疑他。就算有外遇也是緣份，沒有這條路也有別條路，我不是指有其他對象，而是其他人生的旅程。

這幾天在反省，自己心遇到緣，心變化。他的心也會遇到緣，心變化。

我寧可讓對方辜負我，也不要辜負對方。

感謝大家讓我在這裡可以說一說，說出來就過去了。

現在只要注意下一步，如何讓個別人不鬧便扭的跟我成為好朋友， 會喜歡一個人也是過去的緣份，如何把這個緣扭轉到正確的位置。

他其實是一個自尊心很強，有點害羞，能力很好，很有才幹，很溫雅有質的白人。心起心滅，希望自己能夠拿捏好。。。

他表示不露骨又很清楚，非常聰明，講話非常有技巧。我得小心不要讓他人受傷。

#55

#58

“But whenever I go out I encounter problems with men”… this means that men are attracted to you either by your personality or your physicality quite often eh… this is a bold statement to make. :wink:

i find your husbands affection towards you quite fascinating. giving you everything he has promptly… and the part that you don’t have sex with him… that’s pretty hard to imagine…

so, if you’ve been dealing with men who’s attracted to you, what makes your husband stand out from the rest of the pack. obviously that you were living your life until the mid 40s, why decide to settle down all the sudden?

#56

#59

應該是他的真誠，從來沒有遇過一個100%對你全部坦白的人。我試過很多次，讓我非常吃驚，一個對你全心全意，包括我完全拒絕性生活跟堅持不要小孩，他完全配合。

最感動動的是，他跟我說:“要老婆不是要子宮，人跟人在一起就是彼此能夠信任，家人就是永遠不離不棄。”

我問他，他會不會外遇，他告訴我，沒有發生的事情他不知道，但是他已經不愛我了，但是我可以繼續觀察他會不會變。

我們興趣很多不同，不是黏著一起做喜歡的事，但是彼此尊重對方的空間。他脾氣來時，知道就過去，我脾氣來時，他通常唸兩句就過去，我們沒有大吵，但是有小口嘴。

其實，我收心很快，最主要是我想到他的包容與貼心。他比較小，但是他時常跟我說，你要人家對你好，你先對人家好，如果人家沒有對你好，就是你還沒有好到感動人家。

#57

#60

thats very interesting… its almost a total spiritual marriage… to me, this is the first time that i have heard of a total sexless marriage and its a fresh marriage as well. its quite hard to believe, i think there is probably more to the story than what we are told.

#58

#61

Both of us practice meditation. But my insight stage is slightly higher than his. My close friends cannot belie that we do not have sex, because my husband is very handsome and I still look like in my 30s.

Anyways, there are many strange things that happen in this life. But every day I endeavor to be spiritually higher and have less afflictions.

You cannot prevent afflictions, but you can change the way you react to it.

#59

#62

regardless how both of you look, its just fascinating. usually a relationship is based on a combination of emotional and physical attractions. but in your case, its strictly the former only. may i ask what are your reasons for being sexless?

#60

#63

I have been Buddhist since young. For me, sex is something disgusting and filthy. So I never wanted to get married until I met my husband who accepted my request. I became vegetarian since I was 13. When I was in the university I used cosmetics etc, but when I was 22 yrs old, I had been very sick and strived very hard to regain my health. And from then onwards, I endeavored to discover how to disentangle myself from all mental and physical afflictions, so that’s why I started my journey of the naturalist way. I left behind all cosmetics etc from 22 until to the present. I just use lipsticks and nothing else. I don’t use creams except those that my friends give me as present. I eat healthy, live healthy. You may read Dr. Richard Davidson, Joe Dispenza, Kabat-Zinn, Gregg Braden and Robert Wright’s books.